Dear readers,
I usually will write my title first before started to write my entire post. However, this time, I wanted to spill everything out before deciding what my title should be. Those who have known me will definitely roll their eyes when they see me promoting my blog. Like seriously? Another new account for my blog? Don't worry. You are not alone. Even the author is rolling her eyes right now while asking "Is this gonna be my serious journey in sharing my life with other people?' LOL. The previous account, I have to admit that it is not from a mature woman. I was trying hard back then. Trying to impress others with my writing. The truth is, I can't write. I have no experience. I am lack of writing skill. That's okay. It was a great experience for me to finally start my real journey in writing.I really wanna have a very simple introduction. So, let's get started.
Things I wanna share with you guys tonight is very personal and I'm not the only one who feel this way. I am a novice teacher. The truth is I'm not really a fresh graduated teacher. It's been 3 freaking years of journey in teaching English Language and...I'm unhappy with my life right now. No, it does not mean that I'm not being grateful. I just feel suffocated with what I'm doing right now (career). Honestly, my passion in teaching is dying like really quick (I can't believe that I'm saying this) and I know the reasons why and I know I can't do anything to fix the problems. I have tons of issue at schools but the major problem is, I could not find humanity in human anymore.
Bitter truth that competition makes everyone forgets their real intention before deciding to become an educator. I'm a kind of person who would ignore toxic people and it is very easy for me to dispose them from my life. However, being an educator means, you are going to be tortured by working with them (like you are tied up with them for rest of your teaching life). I don't feel this bad during my study and my practicum experiences. The worse is during my teaching life (right now to be specific enough).
I'm battling with humans and the systems. Too many probs, huh? Believe me, I wish to exchange position with you (if you have no probs like what I have right now). Back to humanity. I've found that people (at my school, most of them not all of them) try hard to be recognised, to be famous among them at school while I just want to have my freedom in teaching, I want my pupils to be happy when they are at school, I just want them to be friend with me, I want them to trust me and I want them to enjoy their learning experiences with me and I want more facilities (the proper one) for my teaching and learning process (#IneedLCD).
The most important thing is, I NEED MY PRECIOUS TIME TO TEACH MY PUPILS, not using my time for stupidity (thinking about raising money for school's events). I can accept the effort of raising money for education but other than that, I'm sorry, ain't nobody got time for that. I'm exhausted but still got nothing for my pupils : LCD for example. My time got wasted for something not valuable. I had to skip my classes. I had abandon my pupils in order to fulfil the order from the higher position. I had no time to focus on my real task: TEACHING. It's a cycle. Every year, I have to go through the same stupidity again and again. The only happiest moment is when I am able to enter my class without thinking about anything else but to teach.
HUH. I have not touch about the education system yet and now I feel like ending my story and sleep. I know that I can teach but somehow, teaching is no longer my passion. I think I was forced to have this passion. The truth is, I love arts. I want to become an artist. I want my painting to be on canvas, sell them, travel to get inspiration, meet new people and live my life to the fullest. I want a happy life but I have no courage to take risk. I have no money and I have no connection (to make my journey easier). The only plan that I have right now is to pursue my master and find another way to get out from school's system and environment (sounds so desperate but I am).
I'm getting lost like I don't even know what I'm good at. I've tried so hard to keep positive and try to accept what it was meant for me but my heart says no. This is not what it is. The inner voice in my mind says that I need to find my broken pieces.
I know that I'll find them. I will be able to solve the puzzle and I am sure, Allah had written my journey of life beautifully. I just need to be patient, keep breathing and moving forward (not convincing at all but I'll try).
If you are having the same probs, I'll pray, May Allah ease our journey of life and may Allah guide us to the right path and lead us towards happy life, full of satisfaction.
Ameen.
