TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

 

Assalamualaikum and hi.

Dear readers,

I have been saving many drafts in my blog.  Honestly, I do not know what to write anymore until, one night and tonight a question hit me up.

Why am I so insecure?

I tried to remember. Since when did I start to have insecurities? Yes, you read it well. I have more than insecurity.

Then, I started to puzzle up my journey. From day one, I learnt about living my life until how I live in my current life.

You see, I always been ‘the last option’ to other people.

To pair up for assignments

To be one of the practicum mates

To be in the event

The lists go on.

I think those are the reasons why I chose to be a loner. Therefore, it will not hurt that much.  I am a loner.

I honestly do not blame people for having or making me as their last option.

I blamed myself for not learning to live my life fully.

However, I disagree with the way they had treated me in the past.

I am different.

They judged me, so bad. The worst, they were judging me behind my back without guiding me to the right path.

When I started my journey to lose my weight, (Alhamdulillah from almost 100 kg, I was able to reach 62 kg) it is all about to gain my confidence. Do not get me wrong, I had no intention to look or to be pretty. I am ugly. How can I be a pretty woman when my mind set that I was ugly? Daaaaa…..

Yeah, I heard that so many times from other people that I am ugly.

People made a lot of fun to me.

They thought I knew nothing about it.

Their words, I will not forget.

How they making memes, parody just to make their life happier.

To cut it short, I had conversations with my dear juniors.

They met me when I finally able to boost up my confidence level.

I was physically and mentally healthy.

One of my juniors started to speak up about her insecurity when all I see is beauty. She is intelligent, soft spoken and good in sports (You owe me a homemade chocolate cake!)

Another junior of mine, she is perfect in every aspect but the truth she is hiding her struggle in healing her dear self (I need a new poem, okay?)

I started to share about my past with them. Telling them the story, it felt like yesterday.

 I feel hurt.

It is not healing even when I reached my goals.

Most of the time, I told myself that I am okay. I am amazing.

The truth is, that doubt, the insecurities had shut everything down.

I claimed myself as a strong woman.  I was able to go through the stages alone.

But I am not.

I am not that strong. I force myself to be strong or at least to portray that I am even when I am at the lowest point of my life.

To the people who once rejected me as a friend, partner and mates, I thank you for not making me strong; but to make me learn how to be a good person.

I may have insecurities. I believe that I am not beautiful in your eyes.

However, I do believe that I finally have such a beautiful life without you people.

I have learnt to speak better with everyone regardless gender.

I have learnt to prioritize health before beauty.

I have learnt to speak kind words, at least.

I have learnt that wound last forever.

You may think what you did have changed me into a new person.

Thanks to you, I met the best and right people to guide me in becoming the new me.

Thanks to you, now I finally met people who could accept me for me (even when I am weird and different).

Last but not least,

Thank you and forever, I do not want to be like you, hurting others without thinking what you did may cause a life-time wound.

IN A GAY MOOD

Dear readers,

It has been a long time since my previous post. I'm doing okay, Alhamdulillah. However, I struggle a bit to overcome my sadness since the day my beloved uncle passed away.

I have an announcement. I'm officially engaged to someone special. Again, Alhamdulillah.

Those who know me, they know, I'm afraid of marriage. I'm scared to marry anyone. I'm not that kind to share my life with strangers and I'm not confident enough letting new people to break and expand my circle. However, some of them are able to do that and they bring joy in my new journey of life, Alhamdulillah.

The nearer the date of my marriage, the more I have to deal with my anxiety. I've been thinking a lot. So many 'What if' dancing in my mind.

What if, I'm not the right one for him?
What if he isn't the right one for me?
What if our family could not cope with each other?
What if this feeling is just temporary?
What if our happiness will not last forever?
What if our life gets tougher when we are together?
What if all this is so wrong?

I know. 95% of my 'What if' is negative.

Every time those negative 'what if' cross into my mind, I rewind my happy moment with my future husband. Yup, we never utter the three magical words towards each other (yet) because, it's kinda awkward. We started from a total stranger to being friend and slowly become best friend and moving forward to become each other's sweet heart? (still ewwing, lol).

Being single for a long time and having goal not to get married make things become worst. Yes, it's really awkward to meet him for the first time and it's still awkward since our first date till our current date. I always nervous to meet and to speak with him (even when we're on the phone).

It's weird when he offered to bring my stuff on our first date (we're stranger, remember?). It is still weird when he wanted to hold my water bottle and if he could, he wanted to hold my handbag too- after we're engaged (funneh plus awkward).

I am not an independent woman. I just so get used to my previous life before I met him. I have to do everything by my own (or I need to ask my dad to handle my car thingy or I need to ask my sister to do things that I could not do (of course she will mad at me for not doing myself).

So, having someone to offer holding my bottle and handbags is kinda weird.

But....I'm on the cloud nine knowing that he is such a gentleman. I've met lots of guys before (no, I'm not a seductress) but I never met someone like him (saying this based on my observation since day one I met him).

There 're some qualities that I focused on when I want to build up family with someone.

1. Follow Allah's order.
2. A good son, brother and muslim (good doesn't mean perfect).
3. Aware of his responsibilities.
4. Gentle, polite and respect woman.
5. Not a cheapskate.
6. Loyal.
7. Non-smoker.
8. Family material.

Alhamdulillah, he has all the above.

I've never been so transparent with any guy until I met him. He is the first one to know every single thing about me (he's getting better in understanding me deeper).

What I've learnt through our relationship, Allah plans every single thing better. He knows better. From my side of view, since Allah had given me a good guy to be my future husband, then I have to improvise myself to a better future wife to him. It takes two to tango.

I've learnt to love myself better so that I could love others even better.

I have a dream to be a good wife to my husband. To tolerate each other and to love each other better from day to day.

To my readers who are still searching for the right one, even though I'm in a gay mood, this is my piece of advice. Do not search for the one. Allah has written for you. Keep praying what's written is the best for you to seize.

Pray and asked Him to give (kurniakan) peaceful life for you to live with.

I pray, may Allah ease our journey of life now and hereafter.

May we, included among those who forgive and forgiven.

Doakan saya menjadi seorang manusia yang sentiasa berlapang dada dan sentiasa merasa cukup dengan apa yang Allah kurniakan kepada saya.

Doakan seandainya perkahwinan yang bakal saya bina bersama dia ini berpaksikan cinta, keberkatan dan kasih sayang daripada Allah, jadikan perkahwinan kami ini sebagai asbab luasnya rezeki kami di bumi Allah ini dan sebagai tiket kami menuju ke dan menghuni di dalam syurgaNya.

Thank you for your time.

Love,

IF

HOW OTHER OCCUPATIONS TAUGHT ME ABOUT HUMANITY

Dear readers,

Today, while I'm at school, I've started thinking to share this with you. It might be small for others but it had given major impact in my whole life.

As an English Language teacher, my life was surrounded with TEACHERS plus my whole family  involved in education field. My father was once a headmaster and my sister is a successful Biology teacher.

Once, I had a conversation with my family about getting married with somebody who is neither in education field nor working in government sector. How do they feel if that situation happened to me? (which is happening now). As I expected, they are scared and what make them fear the most is my future husband has no guarantee to provide me with what I've needed. At first, I had the same thought since I have that guarantee for my whole 26 years of living. I have nothing to worry when it comes about money. Okay, that doesn't mean I'm living in luxury. I had a very average life, gais, don't get me wrong, okay? At least I'm not suffocated with financial issue.

However, being a class teacher for almost two years now, make me learn more about humanity. My pupils, taught me how to be a good human being. I am so grateful with whatever given by Allah and I struggle not to compare myself with others who have a better life. I have to, since my life is not at the worst state.

I can never imagine myself in my pupils' shoes. They, had the greatest challenge in their life and if I was at their position, I don't think I'll be able to be as strong as them. What's the relation with other occupations? Well, of course their guardian, either a single mother or a single father. Some of them need to sacrifice their occupation to take care of their children. Some, have to force themselves to work because they have no one to depend on. Some, have to lower down their ego and change their lifestyle due to their current situation. Hats off to the parents in giving their best to the children regardless whatever challenges ahead!

I am beyond grateful that my pupils trust me very much. I am their teacher and at the same time, I am their best friend. I love to share my stories either sad or happy with them. I need to tell them, they are not alone. I've been in the situation and hang in there, they will pass the storm too. However, some are still not applicable. I may not be able to comfort them all the time. I may not understand some of their struggle but I feel the pain. I feel it too.

Watching them growing up without human guarantee is hurtful and painful. This is life. We have rules but we tend to forget The One who Holds the whole universe. Our Creator, Allah S.W.T. The One who provides goodness, tests, Ar-Razak and the whole thing!

I'm scared too. At the age of 26, I still have fear of what will happen in the future. However, communicating with my creator builds up my confidence, faith and trust in Him.

Allah loves me and He loves all of you. He won't write anything bad in our journey of life. If something bad happened in our life, remember, He had written beautiful blessing behind it. Insha Allah, one day, we will be able to see it and our faith will grow stronger and better. Insha Allah.

Till the next post.

LOST AND HOPING TO BE FOUND

Dear readers,

I usually will write my title first before started to write my entire post. However, this time, I wanted to spill everything out before deciding what my title should be. Those who have known me will definitely roll their eyes when they see me promoting my blog. Like seriously? Another new account for my blog? Don't worry. You are not alone. Even the author is rolling her eyes right now while asking "Is this gonna be my serious journey in sharing my life with other people?' LOL. The previous account, I have to admit that it is not from a mature woman. I was trying hard back then. Trying to impress others with my writing. The truth is, I can't write. I have no experience. I am lack of writing skill. That's okay. It was a great experience for me to finally start my real journey in writing.


I really wanna have a very simple introduction. So, let's get started.

Things I wanna share with you guys tonight is very personal and I'm not the only one who feel this way. I am a novice teacher. The truth is I'm not really a fresh graduated teacher. It's been 3 freaking years of journey in teaching English Language and...I'm unhappy with my life right now. No, it does not mean that I'm not being grateful. I just feel suffocated with what I'm doing right now (career). Honestly, my passion in teaching is dying like really quick (I can't believe that I'm saying this) and I know the reasons why and I know I can't do anything to fix the problems. I have tons of issue at schools but the major problem is, I could not find humanity in human anymore.

Bitter truth that competition makes everyone forgets their real intention before deciding to become an educator. I'm a kind of person who would ignore toxic people and it is very easy for me to dispose them from my life. However, being an educator means, you are going to be tortured by working with them (like you are tied up with them for rest of your teaching life). I don't feel this bad during my study and my practicum experiences. The worse is during my teaching life (right now to be specific enough).

I'm battling with humans and the systems. Too many probs, huh? Believe me, I wish to exchange position with you (if you have no probs like what I have right now). Back to humanity. I've found that people (at my school, most of them not all of them) try hard to be recognised, to be famous among them at school while I just want to have my freedom in teaching, I want my pupils to be happy when they are at school, I just want them to be friend with me, I want them to trust me and I want them to enjoy their learning experiences with me and I want more facilities (the proper one) for my teaching and learning process (#IneedLCD).

The most important thing is, I NEED MY PRECIOUS TIME TO TEACH MY PUPILS, not using my time for stupidity (thinking about raising money for school's events). I can accept the effort of raising money for education but other than that, I'm sorry, ain't nobody got time for that. I'm exhausted but still got nothing for my pupils : LCD for example. My time got wasted for something not valuable. I had to skip my classes. I had abandon my pupils in order to fulfil the order from the higher position. I had no time to focus on my real task: TEACHING. It's a cycle. Every year, I have to go through the same stupidity again and again. The only happiest moment is when I am able to enter my class without thinking about anything else but to teach.


HUH. I have not touch about the education system yet and now I feel like ending my story and sleep. I know that I can teach but somehow, teaching is no longer my passion. I think I was forced to have this passion. The truth is, I love arts. I want to become an artist. I want my painting to be on canvas, sell them, travel to get inspiration, meet new people and live my life to the fullest. I want a happy life but I have no courage to take risk. I have no money and I have no connection (to make my journey easier). The only plan that I have right now is to pursue my master and find another way to get out from school's system and environment (sounds so desperate but I am).

I'm getting lost like I don't even know what I'm good at. I've tried so hard to keep positive and try to accept what it was meant for me but my heart says no. This is not what it is. The inner voice in my mind says that I need to find my broken pieces.
I know that I'll find them. I will be able to solve the puzzle and I am sure, Allah had written my journey of life beautifully. I just need to be patient, keep breathing and moving forward (not convincing at all but I'll try).

If you are having the same probs, I'll pray, May Allah ease our journey of life and may Allah guide us to the right path and lead us towards happy life, full of satisfaction.

Ameen.