IN A GAY MOOD

Dear readers,

It has been a long time since my previous post. I'm doing okay, Alhamdulillah. However, I struggle a bit to overcome my sadness since the day my beloved uncle passed away.

I have an announcement. I'm officially engaged to someone special. Again, Alhamdulillah.

Those who know me, they know, I'm afraid of marriage. I'm scared to marry anyone. I'm not that kind to share my life with strangers and I'm not confident enough letting new people to break and expand my circle. However, some of them are able to do that and they bring joy in my new journey of life, Alhamdulillah.

The nearer the date of my marriage, the more I have to deal with my anxiety. I've been thinking a lot. So many 'What if' dancing in my mind.

What if, I'm not the right one for him?
What if he isn't the right one for me?
What if our family could not cope with each other?
What if this feeling is just temporary?
What if our happiness will not last forever?
What if our life gets tougher when we are together?
What if all this is so wrong?

I know. 95% of my 'What if' is negative.

Every time those negative 'what if' cross into my mind, I rewind my happy moment with my future husband. Yup, we never utter the three magical words towards each other (yet) because, it's kinda awkward. We started from a total stranger to being friend and slowly become best friend and moving forward to become each other's sweet heart? (still ewwing, lol).

Being single for a long time and having goal not to get married make things become worst. Yes, it's really awkward to meet him for the first time and it's still awkward since our first date till our current date. I always nervous to meet and to speak with him (even when we're on the phone).

It's weird when he offered to bring my stuff on our first date (we're stranger, remember?). It is still weird when he wanted to hold my water bottle and if he could, he wanted to hold my handbag too- after we're engaged (funneh plus awkward).

I am not an independent woman. I just so get used to my previous life before I met him. I have to do everything by my own (or I need to ask my dad to handle my car thingy or I need to ask my sister to do things that I could not do (of course she will mad at me for not doing myself).

So, having someone to offer holding my bottle and handbags is kinda weird.

But....I'm on the cloud nine knowing that he is such a gentleman. I've met lots of guys before (no, I'm not a seductress) but I never met someone like him (saying this based on my observation since day one I met him).

There 're some qualities that I focused on when I want to build up family with someone.

1. Follow Allah's order.
2. A good son, brother and muslim (good doesn't mean perfect).
3. Aware of his responsibilities.
4. Gentle, polite and respect woman.
5. Not a cheapskate.
6. Loyal.
7. Non-smoker.
8. Family material.

Alhamdulillah, he has all the above.

I've never been so transparent with any guy until I met him. He is the first one to know every single thing about me (he's getting better in understanding me deeper).

What I've learnt through our relationship, Allah plans every single thing better. He knows better. From my side of view, since Allah had given me a good guy to be my future husband, then I have to improvise myself to a better future wife to him. It takes two to tango.

I've learnt to love myself better so that I could love others even better.

I have a dream to be a good wife to my husband. To tolerate each other and to love each other better from day to day.

To my readers who are still searching for the right one, even though I'm in a gay mood, this is my piece of advice. Do not search for the one. Allah has written for you. Keep praying what's written is the best for you to seize.

Pray and asked Him to give (kurniakan) peaceful life for you to live with.

I pray, may Allah ease our journey of life now and hereafter.

May we, included among those who forgive and forgiven.

Doakan saya menjadi seorang manusia yang sentiasa berlapang dada dan sentiasa merasa cukup dengan apa yang Allah kurniakan kepada saya.

Doakan seandainya perkahwinan yang bakal saya bina bersama dia ini berpaksikan cinta, keberkatan dan kasih sayang daripada Allah, jadikan perkahwinan kami ini sebagai asbab luasnya rezeki kami di bumi Allah ini dan sebagai tiket kami menuju ke dan menghuni di dalam syurgaNya.

Thank you for your time.

Love,

IF