TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

 

Assalamualaikum and hi.

Dear readers,

I have been saving many drafts in my blog.  Honestly, I do not know what to write anymore until, one night and tonight a question hit me up.

Why am I so insecure?

I tried to remember. Since when did I start to have insecurities? Yes, you read it well. I have more than insecurity.

Then, I started to puzzle up my journey. From day one, I learnt about living my life until how I live in my current life.

You see, I always been ‘the last option’ to other people.

To pair up for assignments

To be one of the practicum mates

To be in the event

The lists go on.

I think those are the reasons why I chose to be a loner. Therefore, it will not hurt that much.  I am a loner.

I honestly do not blame people for having or making me as their last option.

I blamed myself for not learning to live my life fully.

However, I disagree with the way they had treated me in the past.

I am different.

They judged me, so bad. The worst, they were judging me behind my back without guiding me to the right path.

When I started my journey to lose my weight, (Alhamdulillah from almost 100 kg, I was able to reach 62 kg) it is all about to gain my confidence. Do not get me wrong, I had no intention to look or to be pretty. I am ugly. How can I be a pretty woman when my mind set that I was ugly? Daaaaa…..

Yeah, I heard that so many times from other people that I am ugly.

People made a lot of fun to me.

They thought I knew nothing about it.

Their words, I will not forget.

How they making memes, parody just to make their life happier.

To cut it short, I had conversations with my dear juniors.

They met me when I finally able to boost up my confidence level.

I was physically and mentally healthy.

One of my juniors started to speak up about her insecurity when all I see is beauty. She is intelligent, soft spoken and good in sports (You owe me a homemade chocolate cake!)

Another junior of mine, she is perfect in every aspect but the truth she is hiding her struggle in healing her dear self (I need a new poem, okay?)

I started to share about my past with them. Telling them the story, it felt like yesterday.

 I feel hurt.

It is not healing even when I reached my goals.

Most of the time, I told myself that I am okay. I am amazing.

The truth is, that doubt, the insecurities had shut everything down.

I claimed myself as a strong woman.  I was able to go through the stages alone.

But I am not.

I am not that strong. I force myself to be strong or at least to portray that I am even when I am at the lowest point of my life.

To the people who once rejected me as a friend, partner and mates, I thank you for not making me strong; but to make me learn how to be a good person.

I may have insecurities. I believe that I am not beautiful in your eyes.

However, I do believe that I finally have such a beautiful life without you people.

I have learnt to speak better with everyone regardless gender.

I have learnt to prioritize health before beauty.

I have learnt to speak kind words, at least.

I have learnt that wound last forever.

You may think what you did have changed me into a new person.

Thanks to you, I met the best and right people to guide me in becoming the new me.

Thanks to you, now I finally met people who could accept me for me (even when I am weird and different).

Last but not least,

Thank you and forever, I do not want to be like you, hurting others without thinking what you did may cause a life-time wound.

IN A GAY MOOD

Dear readers,

It has been a long time since my previous post. I'm doing okay, Alhamdulillah. However, I struggle a bit to overcome my sadness since the day my beloved uncle passed away.

I have an announcement. I'm officially engaged to someone special. Again, Alhamdulillah.

Those who know me, they know, I'm afraid of marriage. I'm scared to marry anyone. I'm not that kind to share my life with strangers and I'm not confident enough letting new people to break and expand my circle. However, some of them are able to do that and they bring joy in my new journey of life, Alhamdulillah.

The nearer the date of my marriage, the more I have to deal with my anxiety. I've been thinking a lot. So many 'What if' dancing in my mind.

What if, I'm not the right one for him?
What if he isn't the right one for me?
What if our family could not cope with each other?
What if this feeling is just temporary?
What if our happiness will not last forever?
What if our life gets tougher when we are together?
What if all this is so wrong?

I know. 95% of my 'What if' is negative.

Every time those negative 'what if' cross into my mind, I rewind my happy moment with my future husband. Yup, we never utter the three magical words towards each other (yet) because, it's kinda awkward. We started from a total stranger to being friend and slowly become best friend and moving forward to become each other's sweet heart? (still ewwing, lol).

Being single for a long time and having goal not to get married make things become worst. Yes, it's really awkward to meet him for the first time and it's still awkward since our first date till our current date. I always nervous to meet and to speak with him (even when we're on the phone).

It's weird when he offered to bring my stuff on our first date (we're stranger, remember?). It is still weird when he wanted to hold my water bottle and if he could, he wanted to hold my handbag too- after we're engaged (funneh plus awkward).

I am not an independent woman. I just so get used to my previous life before I met him. I have to do everything by my own (or I need to ask my dad to handle my car thingy or I need to ask my sister to do things that I could not do (of course she will mad at me for not doing myself).

So, having someone to offer holding my bottle and handbags is kinda weird.

But....I'm on the cloud nine knowing that he is such a gentleman. I've met lots of guys before (no, I'm not a seductress) but I never met someone like him (saying this based on my observation since day one I met him).

There 're some qualities that I focused on when I want to build up family with someone.

1. Follow Allah's order.
2. A good son, brother and muslim (good doesn't mean perfect).
3. Aware of his responsibilities.
4. Gentle, polite and respect woman.
5. Not a cheapskate.
6. Loyal.
7. Non-smoker.
8. Family material.

Alhamdulillah, he has all the above.

I've never been so transparent with any guy until I met him. He is the first one to know every single thing about me (he's getting better in understanding me deeper).

What I've learnt through our relationship, Allah plans every single thing better. He knows better. From my side of view, since Allah had given me a good guy to be my future husband, then I have to improvise myself to a better future wife to him. It takes two to tango.

I've learnt to love myself better so that I could love others even better.

I have a dream to be a good wife to my husband. To tolerate each other and to love each other better from day to day.

To my readers who are still searching for the right one, even though I'm in a gay mood, this is my piece of advice. Do not search for the one. Allah has written for you. Keep praying what's written is the best for you to seize.

Pray and asked Him to give (kurniakan) peaceful life for you to live with.

I pray, may Allah ease our journey of life now and hereafter.

May we, included among those who forgive and forgiven.

Doakan saya menjadi seorang manusia yang sentiasa berlapang dada dan sentiasa merasa cukup dengan apa yang Allah kurniakan kepada saya.

Doakan seandainya perkahwinan yang bakal saya bina bersama dia ini berpaksikan cinta, keberkatan dan kasih sayang daripada Allah, jadikan perkahwinan kami ini sebagai asbab luasnya rezeki kami di bumi Allah ini dan sebagai tiket kami menuju ke dan menghuni di dalam syurgaNya.

Thank you for your time.

Love,

IF