TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

 

Assalamualaikum and hi.

Dear readers,

I have been saving many drafts in my blog.  Honestly, I do not know what to write anymore until, one night and tonight a question hit me up.

Why am I so insecure?

I tried to remember. Since when did I start to have insecurities? Yes, you read it well. I have more than insecurity.

Then, I started to puzzle up my journey. From day one, I learnt about living my life until how I live in my current life.

You see, I always been ‘the last option’ to other people.

To pair up for assignments

To be one of the practicum mates

To be in the event

The lists go on.

I think those are the reasons why I chose to be a loner. Therefore, it will not hurt that much.  I am a loner.

I honestly do not blame people for having or making me as their last option.

I blamed myself for not learning to live my life fully.

However, I disagree with the way they had treated me in the past.

I am different.

They judged me, so bad. The worst, they were judging me behind my back without guiding me to the right path.

When I started my journey to lose my weight, (Alhamdulillah from almost 100 kg, I was able to reach 62 kg) it is all about to gain my confidence. Do not get me wrong, I had no intention to look or to be pretty. I am ugly. How can I be a pretty woman when my mind set that I was ugly? Daaaaa…..

Yeah, I heard that so many times from other people that I am ugly.

People made a lot of fun to me.

They thought I knew nothing about it.

Their words, I will not forget.

How they making memes, parody just to make their life happier.

To cut it short, I had conversations with my dear juniors.

They met me when I finally able to boost up my confidence level.

I was physically and mentally healthy.

One of my juniors started to speak up about her insecurity when all I see is beauty. She is intelligent, soft spoken and good in sports (You owe me a homemade chocolate cake!)

Another junior of mine, she is perfect in every aspect but the truth she is hiding her struggle in healing her dear self (I need a new poem, okay?)

I started to share about my past with them. Telling them the story, it felt like yesterday.

 I feel hurt.

It is not healing even when I reached my goals.

Most of the time, I told myself that I am okay. I am amazing.

The truth is, that doubt, the insecurities had shut everything down.

I claimed myself as a strong woman.  I was able to go through the stages alone.

But I am not.

I am not that strong. I force myself to be strong or at least to portray that I am even when I am at the lowest point of my life.

To the people who once rejected me as a friend, partner and mates, I thank you for not making me strong; but to make me learn how to be a good person.

I may have insecurities. I believe that I am not beautiful in your eyes.

However, I do believe that I finally have such a beautiful life without you people.

I have learnt to speak better with everyone regardless gender.

I have learnt to prioritize health before beauty.

I have learnt to speak kind words, at least.

I have learnt that wound last forever.

You may think what you did have changed me into a new person.

Thanks to you, I met the best and right people to guide me in becoming the new me.

Thanks to you, now I finally met people who could accept me for me (even when I am weird and different).

Last but not least,

Thank you and forever, I do not want to be like you, hurting others without thinking what you did may cause a life-time wound.